No Drinking on the Job

At the beginning of the school year, I informed one class that it would be okay for them to drink coffee, coke, or an energy drink to stay awake in class if they're tired. An administrator overheard this and informed me that this was wrong, and that there was a new push in the county to ban all energy drinks (e.g. Red Bull, Full Throttle, etc.) from school. Today, I brought an energy drink to school, which I planned on drinking after school on the way to a grad school class. The same administrator informed me that I was strongly encouraged not to drink energy drinks in school, too. This seemed a little silly to me because he didn't seem to care about the 24 ounce coffee in my other hand and the diet coke jutting from my pants pocket. I can see the rationale to encourage students not to rely on energy drinks at a young age. I can even see the rationale for teachers to model the same standards to their students, but this seems ridiculous. I guess I'll add energy drinks to the long list of drinks I'm not allowed to drink at school, including booze, blended baby fetuses, and yellow-flavored Gatorade out of urine collection cups. What do they want me to drink? Water? What am I, a gazelle?

Some Similes Should Never Be Said

When I think about half the shit that comes out of my mouth in the classroom, I wonder how I haven't been canned. Today, I actually said, "I want you to keep this worksheet in your binder all school year. Keep it forever - you know, like herpes. [pause] What? I learned about it in health class. Yes...health class."

NEWSFLASH: I LIKE ORAL SEX

Call me uninhibited, but if I was a high school teenager with cold sores around my mouth, I wouldn't share with the class that my secret talent is that I can tie a cherry stem into a knot and remove a Starburst wrapper with my tongue.