Tanning > Education

In the middle of third period, I run to the office to check my mail. I see three blondes in the hallway, and I overhear them discussing if they're going to go to next period. One girl replies, "I can't. I'm going tanning. I have a note."

Wow. You have your priorities on point, skipping-class-to-tan girl. I can't wait to see what your senior superlative will be. My Magic 8 ball says, "Most Likely to be a Mediocre Porn Star."

Johnny Substitute = Johnny Spoiler!

I saw X-Men 3: The Last Stand at midnight on Friday; therefore, the solution for my classroom management problems on Friday was simple. This idea was inspired by both me and my friend, Joe. I told students at the beginning of class, "For every five minutes that we get off task from completing our goal, I will write the name of an X-men character who dies in X-3 on the chalkboard. So if you don't want to know who dies in the film, I suggest you get your work done."

A couple students goofed off so I revealed the name of a deceased X-men member. **SPOILER** My students weren't pleased to learn about Scott's untimely death. For the rest of the day, I didn't have any problems.

I'm Italian. It's an addiction.

In the middle of a busy day, I go to the teacher's lounge to make some copies. In the teacher's lounge, a table in the middle of the room holds food, which according to the Rule of Unabandoned Food, is up for grabs if it doesn't belong to anyone. I notice 2 steaming hot cheese pizzas. I immediatly grab a piece and begin to photocopy. Outside of the lounge, I notice a group of students looking into the lounge, specifically at the pizza. After a few minutes, a student tries to walk into the lounge to steal the pizza.

First of all, this kid pretended like he belonged in the room. Fuck that. The last time I checked, my school didn't hire fifteen-year-old kids with crustasches. Second of all, I forgot my lunch. This kid wasn't going to bogart my chances of a free meal.

I ask the student if he needs anything and he gets nervous. He immediatly leaves the room, lingering for one last look at the pizza. I grab another piece and eat the slice in plain view of the students outside of the teacher's lounge. To get back at the student who attempted to steal the pizza, I eat the slice so lovingly and slowly that I may have impregnated the pizza. The students give me the dirtiest looks and they judge.

A secretary notices me eating a piece and says, "You probably shouldn't eat that. Here's what happened." So let's Tarantino it...

At my school, it's illegal for students to order delivery food. The only people who can order food are teachers, administrators, and employees - not students. A group of students decided to order pizza anyway, which they picked up outside of the school and paid the delivery provider. Before the kids can savor the aroma, security confiscated the pizza and placed it in the teacher's lounge. The students outside of the teacher's lounge who were trying to steal pizza were simply trying to steal their pizza back.

Feeling guilty and empathic for the students, the secretary and I decide to give the ravenous students one of the pizzas, and we tell them to take it and run so they don't get caught with delivery food...again. Looking at the other pizza and deciding that the students learned their lesson, the secretary and I grab a piece. Free food is awesome.

Warning: This blog entry features...

Before class today, a female student dropped off her bookbag and left class. She never returned until after class. I didn't skip any classes in high school, but I always thought it was protocol to take all of your belongings with you. You know, like when you secure all loose articles on kickass roller coasters like Volcano: The Blast Coaster. Anyway, because the student's belongings were in class, I got a little nervous thinking about this missing student. After walking to the clinic to see if she was there, I called security to inform them to search for a missing student.

After class, the missing student appears and asks to speak with me privately. I'm dreading an awkward "female excuse," and of course, that's what I hear:

"Mr. Substitute, I had a really bad situation with my period right before class and I bled through my pants so I decided to quickly walk home to bleach my pants."

I bite my lip to hold back the laugher and cringe in horror at the same time. Gross. Now before you start to sympathize with this student, I must tell you that she is one of my worst slackers. She's a good person, but she's dumb as dirt and lazy. If you skipped a 100-minute class, wouldn't you have thought of this brilliant, masterpiece excuse? I would have, and I don't even bleed from a vajay-jay.

"With a F, a F, a D, and a F, I think it's pretty safe to say he'll have to attend summer school, sir."

With the end of the fourth quarter and school year in sight, I am also faced with the exhilarating task of calling parents of children who are in danger of failing the fourth quarter. Out of the eleven phone calls I made, most of the parents weren't surprised by this information. The award for funniest response from a parent goes to Col. Johnny's Military Dad, who said, "Well, I guess the fourth time wasn't the charm." Hilarious.