Oooo Mr. Substitute, you're getting me all wet.

Most teachers hate it when students fall asleep in their classroom. They feel that it is an insult to their content as well as to the teacher. Fuck that. I look forward to sleeping students in my classroom. Why? I've mastered techniques to wake students up and to make sure that they never fall asleep in my classroom again; that is until I found out yesterday from an administrator that one such technique is not allowed.

I squirted a sleeping student in the face. Was the water scalding hot, soapy, or colored? No. Was the squirt gun a Super Soaker 2,000,000? Of course not. I'm not a total asshole; I merely sprayed a simple few squirts to the face. The water didn't wake him up as much as the laughter from everyone else in the classroom. At the time, the student seemed to enjoy it and he apologized for drifting off; however, he told a parent and the parent contacted an administrator. The administrator later told me that my prank "embarrassed the student" and "spraying a student with water doesn't foster a safe learning environment."

I guess pulling a party popper near a student's ear and popping a balloon near a student's face are out of the question as well...or are they? If you have other hilarious wake up techniques, please comment.

I Miss Boston Public

Every couple of years, a network attempts to create a new teacher television show. FOX successfully did it with Boston Public for a couple of seasons, but just like the fate of Ally McBeal and hundreds of former FOX shows, viewers tuned out when they came to their senses.

The most recent attempt is NBC's Teachers, a sitcom which has it all: the funny but sensitive laid back English teacher, the hot and unattainable blonde, the hot "other" girl, the black sidekick, the bald fatass who teaches something meaningless, the math teacher/loser, and the completely fake principal.

Just like real teachers, the show portrays about two minutes of actual teaching and significant fraternizing with colleagues. Unlike real teachers, the sitcom features drinking at school, banging hot substitute teachers, and wearing jeans everyday.

Thank you, NBC, for a somewhat noble effort; however, this show will be gone before you can say, "May sweeps."

11. Thou Shalt Not Mock Duke

I'm a Duke basketball fan. Needless to say, their loss to LSU in the NCAA tournament on Thursday night dampened my spirits. Despite their loss, the next day at school was "Wear Your Team's Shirt/Jersey/Whatever Day" to school and I sported a Duke t-shirt. I didn't know that this lame holiday was also called "Take It up the Ass and Listen to Endless Shit Talking Day."

Now it's fine if you are rooting for the "other" team or if you frankly do not like Duke, Coach K, or the awesomeness that is J.J. Redick; however, be warned that it is foolish and downright stupid to mock anyone's team when that person holds authority and power. Would you tell your boss that his kid's lazy eye is really distracting, or would you make fun of a police officer's favorite baseball team? Fuck no. Teachers are authority figures, too; don't fuck with what little power we have.

For every shit-talking comment that I heard from a student, that student was added to the shitlist. In the event of a school fire, I will not save these students. As their flesh scorches and sizzles inside a burning classroom, I will be outside showing students the art of making a 3-point shot courtesy of J.J. Redick. I abuse my power in other small ways as well:

"Mr. Substitute, can I go to the bathroom?"
"No, you may not." (Translation: "I heard you say in class that J.J. is a 'faggot.' Well you can pee your goddamn pants, you fucking anti-Duke asshole.")

"Can I get a drink of water, Mr. Substitute?"
"Not at this time." (Translation: "Aawww is your throat dry from your preachy Duke sucks propaganda? Well, karma's a bitch. Sit down, shut the fuck up, and watch me drink this delicious, ice cold bottled water.")

You might be thinking, "Way harsh, Tai." Well, you may be right, but my gross and excessive abuse of power knows no limits. All will rue the day that they talk shit about Duke.

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Bitch

"It's a part of my senior rights to leave 5 minutes early on Fridays."

"I don't care. You're here until a bell rings."

"You're the worst sub ever."

"Happy St. Patrick's Day to you, too. Students, do you see what I see? Someone's not wearing their green. You know what that means."

(The minions encircle and do their master's bidding.)

Busted!

First off, let me say that I am no saint and even though teachers are expected to be perfect, I am definitely imperfect. When I was in school, I cheated. A lot. I was so good at cheating that I never got caught. This may be a bold statement, but I was so good at cheating that books could have been devoted to the craft my friends and I executed. That being said, let me say that in hindsight that it was a bad decision. Cheating didn't help me master my coursework and I continued to fall behind in some classes.
:::"The More You Know" logo flies overhead.:::

Now that I'm an educator, it's part of my job not only to catch cheating, but also to prevent cheating before it begins. Much to the chagrin of my students, I'm quite adept at catching it. Good teachers can feel it. The quick eye contacts with the teacher, the hazy "I was just looking over there" look, and the various nervous ticks are all dead giveaways that something's afoot.

During a test today, a student exhibited not one but all THREE warnings. I continued to watch him until I noticed some quick hand movements underneath his desk. "Oh God," I mumbled. "This kid is masturbating underneath his desk!" (True Story: Unfortunately, I have witnessed a student with his hands in the land down under in class. AWKWARD.) I went to his desk and asked him to hand over what he was shuffling underneath his desk. He forked over several note cards (presumably study materials) and I confiscated his test. At the end of class, the student approached me and congratulated me on catching him. He told me that I was the first person to catch him. I replied, "Well it was pretty easy, Maverick. The way you were shuffling those cards down there would have gotten a blind man's attention." He laughed and left. I laughed, too. Poor kid. I hope I taught him a lesson: try harder...whether it be in your studies or in your abilities as a cheater.

Let Freedom Ring...Just Not in Class

Cell phones are not allowed during school; however, due to the advent of 9/11 and the complaints of many soccer moms who want to leave telephone messages for their children, students can use their cell phones during lunch and break. Cell phones are not supposed to be on and students cannot touch them in class. Despite these rules, students - particularly The Laguna Beach-wannabe army of hos - attempt to use it during class. If a student is caught with one on or using a cell in class, a teacher is supposed to take the phone, turn it in to guidance, and the student will get it back at the end of the week. As a sub, I have never taken a student's cell until today when a girl's phone went off in the middle of a test during class.

In the middle of a silent class, I hear, "I want to get away. I want to flllllyyy aaaawwwaaayyyyy. Yeah!" That's right; Mr. Lenny Kravitz graced my Psychology classroom.

I confiscated the phone. I hope that the girl spends the rest of the week thinking about what she did. I wasn't mad that her phone went off in the middle of class, but how dare she have a fucking Lenny Kravitz ringtone? Gross.

What about "I don't know this crap" do you not understand?

I'm a geometry teacher today. Geometry is significantly easier than other math classes like trigonometry or calculus, but that doesn't mean I know how to do it. I'm sure checking your oil is pretty easy, too, but I've never done that. Who am I to lie to these students about a class I don't know anything about? So to be honest and to send a message, I preface the students at the beginning of class, "I teach English; therefore, Math is another language to me...so I can't really help you if you have any questions. You're on your own." Usually when I say this is or statements to this effect, the message I'm saying is, "Look, I really don't care. Leave me the fuck alone for the next 100 minutes so I can Google myself, browse eBay, write e-mails, or do any other mindnumbing activity until the bell rings." Minutes pass. Hands raise. I sigh and feign an interest for some of their concerns:

"No, I don't know how to solve for x here. As far as I know, you need *magic* in order to solve this problem."

"'Name two properties of similar polygons.' Hmm. Well, whatever the answers are, why don't you start them with 'Same _________."

The cherry on top of this shitty sundae is that this teacher has no planning periods today; therefore, I'm teaching non-stop for the rest of the day. If I have to poop, I go in the 5-minute window between classes. If I can't make it, I plan on dropping trow in class and pooping in the shape of two similar polygons to convey my appreciation for Pythagoras, inventor of geometry.