"Teach, you auditioning for American Idol?"

One of the worst parts of being a high school teacher is that you have to experience some of the disheartening realities of high school all over again. One of these realities is that anyone and everyone is partially judged by their appearance and behavior. Make no mistake that teachers are judged by students just as much as students judge one another. Earlier in the year, I ate veggie pork and beans during lunch. Big mistake. Fortunately for me, I blamed it on my class of freshmen, which some sophomores believed. Others were hip to my game. Another teacher in my department got a pimple near the corner of her mouth, and I felt bad for her. Comments about her after school activities started to spread (no pun intended) all over the school.

I have the fortune to have a shaved head. I get judged daily by someone with a supposed witty allusion. Each student thinks s/he will be the next charming Conan O'Brien when s/he is really the next lame Jay Leno. Also, each new celebrity who shaves his or her head revitalizes the game of who can find the most obscure bald reference. You name it; I've heard it: Britney; Chris Daughtry; Natalie Portman (from V for Vendetta); Moby; Howie Mandell; and my all-time favorite, Mr. Clean.

I comeback with an allusion to what I believe will be their future places of business in life. Unfortunately for my students and fortunately for me, my allusions are completely lost on them. They're never quite sure how to respond to this comeback: "How's your day going, McDonald's?"

I Want to Weed out Future Girlfriends with the Same Survey

My school hosted a blood drive yesterday, and I donated during my planning period. Anyone who's donated blood before knows that one must answer a series of monotonous but vital questions to filter out any diseased blood. It was most awkward to overhear some students verbally complete the survey as the donaters gathered around a small table. Although some of the comments were said in jest, here are some of the responses I overheard:

"Did I sleep with someone who was a former prostitute? God, I hope not."

"No, I haven't shared needles with someone in the past 6 months, but I did share a bowl."

"Christy, he didn't have hepatitis, did he?"

"Can I use my fake [ID] to donate blood?"

"You're donating, Matt? Who would want your blood? No one wants your AIDS."

"I want to meet the [110 lb.] weight limit, but I don't want to be fat at the same time."

The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round

A student who never completes his homework assignments on time has been asked to stay with me after school every Monday until he completes his missing work. The student has not arrived the past two weeks, so I called mom and left a message. Mom sends an e-mail back saying, "I'm sorry, he's not sure how the bus system works." I was perplexed by this response, especially since this student walks home. This is not an appropriate excuse or response. That's like if I didn't show up to class on time and said, "I'm sorry, my car's flux capacitor is broken." Second, how can he not be sure how the bus system works? Step #1: Find the right bus number. Step #2: Step on it. Step #3: Sit down. Step #4: Get off when you see your street. This student is in my sophomore honors class. Isn't learning how to take the bus home a skill students learn in kindergarten? Look how easily this little preschooler does it (picture right).

Stalk You Later

This is an old story to my friends, but it is one I never shared on this blog. I arrived at school early one morning a month ago to find a business envelope slid underneath my classroom door. I opened it and its contents included some grainy pictures of me intoxicated with a few friends. The pics were either obtained on a friend's Facebook site or on a friend's online photo collection. They did not feature me holding a bottle of liquor like these two idiots pictured left, but they noticeably featured a mildly incoherent Mr. Substitute. Whoever sent the pics left no note, and I still don't know why they even bothered to send them to me. I never heard from the anonymous picture provider again. I destroyed the pics and immediately e-mailed my friends to request the deletion of any party pictures that feature me.

If you're going to send someone uncompromising pictures, at least have fun with it. Why weren't the photos glossy black and white 8x10s like in a film noir? Where was a note written in creepy magazine letter cut-outs? Where were my threatening phone calls? I was disappointed. This perpetrator had no originality and must have been a first-time blackmailer who was uncertain about the second part of the process. So perpetrator - whoever you are - the next time you harass someone, please do so with a little bit more flair.

Some E-mail Addresses are Perfect Descriptors

"Dear Mr. Substitute,

I wanted to know if I could get an extension on the character analysis essay. I know that it was due on Friday and that I should have turned it in on Monday, but I will turn it in next Monday. Thanx!

Student X" c/0 lazygurlxx@yahoo.com

"Dear Student X,

I suggest you turn in the character analysis essay as soon as possible because it was due last quarter. The third quarter began not last Friday but the Friday before that. Also, you may want to consider changing your e-mail address. It's just a thought.

All the Best,

Mr. Substitute"

I've Got the Hook Up...I Guess?

One of my student's parents recently asked me if I would be interested in meeting a friend of their family to "see what could happen." Being set up by my student's parents for a potential relationship is a little unnerving, but I guess it's a little bit more comfortable than the parent of one of my students who wants me to date her daughter when she graduates from high school. Awkward!